Lately I've not really made any commentary on the news (i.e. Schools, politics, government etc.) and I really don't know why... other than the fact that I've had a stroke and trying to convince people that they might want to pull their heads out of their asses for 2 seconds, is just so not me anymore. I can only change what I can change, that doesn't include some idiot or otherwise across the internet or down the street. Besides what does it matter if I change his/her mind? I mean I want to do good, I have a couple of things on the back burner, but publicizing it right now isn't what I want to do.
I know some newspaper people will probably breathe a sigh of relief when/if they read this, but you just never know when the wild hair is going to invert and start to go up my ass. I know I've not really been around to keep them honest, but you just never know and sock-puppetry is alive and well. But that doesn't mean I've been doing it, because I haven't.
I wish I could care more, I really do, I simply can't. I'm still dealing with this whole stroke thing and in doing so that's one of the first things to go (the caring about stupid shit). I'm too busy trying to keep my family happy, my work satisfied, and mostly myself competent, aware, and in the loop. I won't say that the old me is completely dead, but unfortunately a big part of me is gone. I don't like some food I used to love, can't play games the way I used to, I don't even sleep the way I used to.
Part of the recovery is acknowledging the fact that you simply won't be the same person, you can be as close to the same as you want to be, but never the same. That's pretty hard to deal with, because whatever you used to mean to others won't quite be the same either. I was a partner to my wife, and still am but in a different way, now I've come to depend on her, a lot more. I used to do probably 95% of the cooking, now I'm lucky if I get 15%. So not only do you have to come to grips with saying goodbye to the old you, all your friends and family do too.
This recovery could take years...
Monday, June 16, 2008
Okay, I admit it...
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1 comment:
My dear MH -
I understand. Maybe not completely, but...
I used to be a professional gadfly; the thorn in everyone's side, the one that people would call up my boss and scream "You need to FIRE her!" every week, just because they didn't like what I was saying. Not that it wasn't TRUE, every word - but they didn't like it being said.
When Mike got hurt and I got sick, damned few of the friends I had made in my Don Quixote struggles came to our aid. Instead, they knifed us. The very people I had fought to defend and inform and "save" from mendacity, even from injury or death, took great glee in ripping us apart. The rest just pretended that they didn't see; carefully adjusting their blinders while still clamoring for help and attention.
I don't know which group was worse. But yeah, I got selfish and did what was best for US not them - which for some reason seemed to piss everyone off! Suddenly they discovered that they were not the purpose and fulcrum of my world...
To paraphrase Mark Twain, you can rescue and feed a starving dog, and he will not bite you - and that is the principal difference between dogs and man. MY solution - don't worry about THEM, worry about yourself. Because it's for damsure no one else will care about YOU.
Hang tuff, bro. Not all change is good, but we can survive anything. The few real friends we have will be there. And the rest you simply cannot save... so don't bother.
Affectionately,
Wiles
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