Do I Pick Quality or Control?

So I went to a Diabetes Education thing the other day. One thing is clear, I used to be a stroke victim who happened to have diabetes, but more and more I'm really someone who is diabetic and just happens to have had a stroke. The difference is take the emphasis off of the stroke, and fixate it on the diabetes, because that is the real problem.

It is something that hounds me relentlessly. I need constant control. But I don't know if I'm ready to go full bore into it yet... What I mean is, get an insulin pump. A pump will give me better control, but cost a lot and you are kind of married to it. Right now I'm married to my "bag" (insulin, glucometer, needles) but if I want to go swimming all day, of spend a day at the beach, I can. And I could take the insulin pump to the beach, but I'd have to take it off to go swimming... and I don't know if the catheter and tubing is exactly high fashion.

But how many times do I go to the beach? Well not so much, maybe a dozen or so times. But I'd be willing to bet I would go less, if I had the pump. I eat less because if I'm going to eat, that means stopping, getting out my bag, drawing up some insulin, perhaps taking my blood sugar, all for what? Some Frito's or a doughnut? I just skip it instead... most times. I wouldn't have to do that with a pump so much. Why am I not lighter? I have no idea.

So I'm still struggling with this, quality of life issue. And I can't just try it, because it costs thousands of dollars. I'd have better control, but my quality of life might not be as good, whereas now my quality of life is pretty good, but my control not so much. Decisions decisions.