I'm still here... somewhat

I know I have been somewhat vague in my "disappearance" from my blog. Number 1, I've been so busy I hardy have time to chew dinner before falling asleep. Number 2, I don't want to give anything away just yet, though really it is a done deal, but I won't take any chances. Number 3, I'm not really sure if I will keep up with this blog since I will have so many more things and people to keep up with.

But... I miss writing, it is sort of a way to catalog my time. I got away from that, and I;m sure there were some funny stories in there somewhere. But anyway. I'm not really sure when/if I'll start posting regularly again, but I sure miss it. Perhaps after all the holidays. Maybe then...

A New, New Me

Well it is time to hang up some of my things do... mainly this blog. Why? Basically because I have a new and improved job. And while the old job was great, (really, really great) I was topped out at that job and it was only a 3-4 day account per week, but it paid me for 5 days. This current account is a multi-man work your ass off kind of account. And I simply have no energy or time to update this blog regularly. My weeks are slammed and I wonder if I was crazy in taking this new position. Still I have to ride it out. See where it leads. To do that requires me leaving this blog behind.

I won't say... at least not yet that I'm going to completely quit posting, but I'm not going to be posting as much or as regularly. It is bad, I no longer worry over piddly shit, hell I don't have time to worry over things I might should worry about. But anyway, is this the new normal? Or is this a matter of getting everything settled and then I will be able to do more recreation? Time will tell...

It Is Always Hard to Say Goodbye

Saying goodbye is never easy. How I wish it was. I'm just saying... as I write this when I have already left one place, the place I have known for 7 years, compared to that of the new place, that I don't know and all the trepidation involved with the unknown. It is rough. I can't really understand why, but it is. I hope that all this worrying is for naught and that I will grow into the new place as I did the old place. I can hope anyway. I want to do a good job just like anyone, and I put so much pressure to do well on myself... that it is likely completely unnecessary. But it is what it is.

My new job is not quite like my old one... eventually maybe it will be, but for now it is something completely new. So new I'm sort of the pilot program and if I do well, then it will be taken across the country. Yeah no pressure there right?

New Me, Same as The Old Me

Well it is hard to believe, but my job is going to end, sort of. Basically I'm moving on to greener pastures, but I'm staying in the same house and keeping the same employer. Actually if I want my old job back, I could probably have it, but it is supposed to be all about moving up, not just staying static. So that is what I'm doing. Movement. But it is scary, any time someone has to move and start off somewhere new... it's scary.

I'm hoping that I will win the news people over and the new place will be just as nice as the old. But you just never know... until it is too late. But that is why we do what we do. So it is time, time to put on a happy face, smile a whole lot, be helpful and in general be nice. That is pretty much how I always am, so it shouldn't be all that hard. But I am entering a difficult situation. Just keep on smiling and helping, and eventually it will all be worth it.

A Cat's Life

I have been keeping an eye on our (really it is Mrs. Hatter's) cat. Why? well you see the cat is really, really, really old. The time varies but we think she in at the youngest 17, 19 at the oldest. She has been around. And she goes through times of when she won't eat to times when you can't feed her enough. Being so old, it makes me edgy that she may be finally dieing. I don't like to think of that, and neither does my wife. But we both know that day is eventually coming.

So now do we just let it happen, or do we take her to the vet and put her down? Now before anyone gets their feelings hurt, she is a diabetic, a very old cat, and has accidents now and then. Not only are they accidents but there is blood involved. It is not that we don't love her, because she has lived with us all this time. And will continue, but we know the clock is ticking for her. Add to that we have small children, again not that it is a problem... unless the cat has an accident, and we find out about it from one of our kids because they have blood or poop on them.

Maybe I'm worried about nothing. I hope I'm worried about nothing. She (the cat) is laying here next to me as I write this. I pet her and she is happily purring. Maybe that is all there is to it. We all go sooner or later, how many times we get petted is the difference between a good life and a bad one. Maybe. At least for cats anyway.

Yep, Pretty Much

This is Natalie Dee's website

I'm A Good Guy

I have to brag on myself (again). We recently passed some national accreditation inspection. Woo Hoo! Ok so we passed, and really we are supposed to and did. But we cannot, no matter how hard we might want to, escape time. What do I mean by this? Well that is great and I feel accomplished, but what about next year? Or the year after that? Or the year after that? The point I'm getting to is there is always another inspection just around the bend.

I know that sounds somewhat defeatist of me. And seriously I've contemplated some other profession for the very same reason (I found nothing that I liked or that didn't suffer from the same thing). So it is what I do and that is ok. I can take a breather having just passed inspection, but not too much, as the omnipresent "next inspection looms. Kind of like a comic book nemesis. You have to always be ready, because you can't ever put it away for good, just for right now. It is the world we live in. I'm ok with that, because sometimes you lose, I didn't this time but you never know if I might (doubtful, but still). You are only as good as your last inspection says you are. Yep, pretty much. So I'll be a good guy for a while.

Here We Go

Well not to brag to much on myself, but I will (just a little bit). Things at work have improved tremendously (not that it was all that bad). Basically things have expanded and I am going to reap the rewards of that expansion. I can't or won't go into too much detail but it looks like I could call the lowcountry home for a long time. This is a good thing because I really didn't feel this confidant 6 months to a year ago.

Now I just need to bone up on my leadership skills and work hard to not make the mistakes of my predecessor. I've worked for years to get to this point, now it just takes a small leap of faith to take it to the next level. That is the "hard" part. Nobody likes change. Everybody wants it, but nobody likes it. Everybody thinks they like it because they don't actually think it will be them who changes. Always someone else. This time it is me (hopefully). Nothing is set in stone as of yet. But I think (hope) that my long range plans (though they took a bit longer than I imagined) will come to fruition and I will not have to move to ascend the career ladder... So far so good.

Cancer is Still a Bitch

I haven't spoke on this much, I really don't know why. My mother underwent surgery, a lumpectomy, the surgery was unsuccessful. The doctor was partly to blame and my mom has to share some of that blame as well. Basically, we went in and found more lumps that were cancerous. She will need a mastectomy. And then comes the whole reconstruction thing, plus she still has to go on the radiation and chemo afterward. It is a long time before my mom will feel like a whole person (if she ever feels like a whole person).

So we are doing the best that we can do... I mean I can do nothing but worry, so I keep worrying. My mother seems in good spirits and so that is good. She still has much to do, many appointments to make, places to go. I feel for her. I can't make any of the steps for her, but she doesn't really need me to do it for her anyway, but still ... you want to do for your mother (at least I do). Cancer is a long haul, no matter what the prognosis. There is good and bad with that, I guess my best bet is to take the good and forget about the bad.

It Is Everybody's Fault

Oh lord... Seriously, I am starting to think that we really can't get anything done until after the deadline has come to pass. There is always a hope that someone will save the day at the eleventh hour, but more likely than not it is going into overtime. I blame everyone, because everyone has their heads up their respective asses. Compromise is going to have to happen. I don't see any other way around it. What does that mean? It means you have some stuff you like and some stuff you don't like but everyone walks away a winner (and a loser). I don't get why the folks on the right or left side of the aisle are so adamant that the other side is so wrong they don't care what happens to the rest of the country... this shit has got to stop.

If that is all our government is anymore, count me out, because that is just too crazy. Under that system of rule only the extreme right or left will control us. I think we are a middle of the rode kind of place, why the hell would we be anything else? My god, I can just imagine other folks looking in at us and wondering... or worse laughing and pointing, because we can't come to an agreement on pretty much anything. Instead of trying to make this side or that side bend to one way of thinking, are there any senators/congressmen out there reaching out  to the other side? At all???

Just a side note: I wrote this before the president and speaker had their speeches Monday night. They are still not playing ball. Neither side is ready apparently, because each side has to save face. I don't know why we have to go through all of this. I still fault both sides. I think the president came out looking better, but he also came off as a bit of a weasel. While Boehner looked like somebody had a gun to his head. I have a weak stomach for politics, I just want everything to work and I'll work too. I guess that will never happen. I know people are fed up with Washington. But they are always fed up with Washington.

I Have Been Water Fested

You know, as long as I had been here there are some things I have never done. One was go to any kind of Water Festival event, and the other was go on a boat. Well I could scratch both off my to do list in one outing. We (Mrs. Mad Hatter and myself) got an invite from someone with a boat to come out to the sandbar in Beaufort. I said heck yeah and we left the two little kids with the older big kid and off we went.

Well it was a bit... trailer trashy... I don't mind, heck I spent many of my years growing up in a trailer. Basically everybody that has a boat... from the yachts to a kayak/canoe (and some others I wasn't quite sure about.) comes to the sand bar to drink and drink and pretty much drink. They also have a bunch of dogs (I would say keep the dog at home, but anyway) and a number brought grills. You wait for low tide and everyone offloads, and drinks, there may be some horse shoes or corn-hole but really it is all about the drinking. This made me feel better about my own drinking problem (self-proclaimed). I did not have a drinking problem at all, if you looked at any of these people. But it is all relative I guess.

The very next day (Monday) we were again invited to Motown Monday. The singer (Reggie Deaz) is in the same class and my wife and we said we were down with the Motown, why not go see the guy sing? So we went saw the band, saw some friends, drank a little (I was driving, so I stopped after 2) and it was so nice to break free. Oh my, how it was nice to break free!!! We were gone from 7pm-12am. No kids, no job, no worries. It was great. In fact it was so great we did it again last Saturday.

Which is why I didn't/couldn't update my blog... I was having too much fun to stop and tell anyone about it. And there is something to be send about that fact. Now, now I have to reel in those jet-setting ways, get back to reality and become the tax-paying citizen again (not that I ever quit, but you know what I mean). Maybe we'll do it again next year :o)

Alcohol

Alcoholism runs in my family. We can trace it (my aunt has our lineage traced down 20 or so generations) to some native Americans, or Irish or who knows... The thing is I know I am predisposed to like taking a drink. And I do. This doesn't mean I get rip-roaring drunk or even a little buzzed... sometimes I go days or even (rarely) weeks without taking a drink at all. But usually I like to imbibe.

And I know there is nothing wrong with that. For now anyway. But I wonder, as I get older and my health is more of a concern if I should worry about it? I know a lot more than I ever wanted to about cancer and how what we take into our bodies can make us sick. And a part of me longs for a cold beer or cocktail at certain times. It just doesn't feel the same without it. Like say vacation, I would like to kick back with a drink. Again I'm not talking about being drunk, just the relaxation that can only come (for me) with a drink in my hand.

I really don't know. I don't know if it is worth it to live for a year or two longer or even 5-10 years if I have to do that while abstinent. My wife would likely try to convince me otherwise, but I am unsure. My father is likely dieing. Hell we are all dieing, but my dad I think has congestive heart failure, at least from the descriptions he gives me (edema and feeling short breathed a lot). Now I am not a doctor, so really I have no idea, but he paints a picture for me. He is trying to stay at work even though he collects social security because:

He has life insurance with his job, once he quits the life insurance goes away. He wants to take care of his wife, and that is the only thing he has.

He likes to drink, he usually has his first beer around 10:30 on the weekends... Yeah, he is an alcoholic. But he has his reasons. Life is hard, he is still working at 68, at a very hot and nasty job, he works at a paint factory, he is a 10 year survivor of throat cancer, and his wife bitches at him (which makes me wonder why would he even care about her... why? because it is all he has). Now he doesn't drink on the job (I think) and never drinks and drives (I think). He also never has a very good car. So he is always fixing one of them. Usually 2 or 3 at a time. Which all of this means stress, stress leads to depression, depression leads to drinking.

So he has a long grocery list of reasons why he drinks, mainly it is to dull the senses to all the bad things so that he can remember the nice things better. I know that is a fantasy, but for him it works and like I was saying, he likely does not have long in this world anyway, why not go out happier rather than not so much? That is what I keep telling myself anyway.

There are multiple reasons why he should not be drinking. But why even begin to entertain them now? He is going to die, maybe not this year or 2 years from now, but eventually we all have to go. I can't make those decisions for him, if he is going to clean up and live the sober life, I'm all for it, but that doesn't stop me from wondering about myself.

I feel like I am walking a tightrope. Drink too much and you are a lush, don't drink enough and... well what kind of life is that? I don't want to alienate friends by being too sober or drunk, I just want to have a good time, live life as much as I can, and make the most out of the time I have on this earth. So do I walk that rope until I die or do I simply drop off, going the full sobriety route? Maybe I'll never know...

Happy Birthday to Me

So another year has come and gone. I keep edging closer to 40. I don't really care, but I ain't like I used to be. Heck when I left for the Army at 17, I was 135... almost too skinny for the Army. Now not so much. That is ok too. The other day I played volleyball with some friends, which it felt great to get out and get active. That or I was enjoying drinking too many sangrias. I felt every muscle that I thought would be fine the next day. Not really. I hurt.

And that is the catch that everyone must be snagged by. Yes I know that I could work out and make myself better, but really? Sooner or later we all succumb. I think the main thing that gets me in trouble is the mind thinks I'm still 17, 135lbs. when in fact I am older and fatter. My joints need time to limber up. Of course while I say that, I got a 44lbs 5-year-old and 25lbs 18-month-old that need me to pick them up. Or jump on me, or a horsey ride anyone?

I know I can't do the things I once could, I used to put that off on the stroke... I don't think I can write that ticket anymore. I can't do it because I'm old and/or fat. I confide in my wife, 4 years my senior, and while she understands, she is getting older too. She has her own things to dye, pluck, and otherwise to get done. So I'm happy I have a birthday to celebrate, I have no plans, no cake or presents (at least I don't think so) and that is ok too. I have pretty much everything I need.I think that before age 40 is just about as good as it gets. Sure if somebody wants to pay for a new Ferrari or boat I'd take it, but otherwise I'm content.

Better Days Ahead?

I knew it would come down to this... but knowing what is coming doesn't make it any easier. My mother's health is not doing so good. She is into her 3rd round of chemo, and she basically says she doesn't care anymore. Doesn't care what they do, doesn't care if she lives or dies, she just doesn't care. I feel so bad for her and I can't lie to her and say... "in just a few more weeks, you will be better." Maybe a few more months, more like 6 months to a year. I can't go out and see her as I have exhausted my vacation.

I feel like, and please try not to think bad of me for saying this, but sometimes you just have to back up and play the hand you got. I feel so bad for my mom, I know she doesn't have that fighter's instinct like my father had when he was going through chemo and radiation. I wish it was me going through the chemo, not her because I know I could (more than likely) take it. I'm not trying to say that I am a better person than my mom, I am saying I wish she didn't have to go through what she is going through, so much so that I would take the chemo...  but that would not cure my mother's cancer.

I hope that I just caught her at a bad time and it will get better. But as I say that, it rings hallow. I know it won't be better and I don't know what to say to my mother. Should I have supported her going to Tijuana? I know that no I shouldn't have, but when she is so down in the dumps like she is now, it makes me doubt everything. And I know that is exactly why and how those types of people are around. Promising the world but delivering next to nothing. But the doubt keeps people coming back anyway.

So I sit and wait... from afar. And hope that my mom can do this. I know her body feels wrecked and her spirits are down. But there are sons and daughters and grandchildren and various other family members (cousins) and friends that are pulling for her. I know she knows this... there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Whether that light is death or the drive to keep going.... only she can answer that. But I still worry.

I've Been Avoiding Talking About It Long Enough

Ok so I went to see my mother, who has breast cancer. I can't really describe the amount of emotions that go through you when a loved one is sick... really sick and will get sicker before getting better. I think I did my absolute best to maintain a little bit of normalcy... but I was out there because my mom had cancer, there was no getting around that. The prognosis is pretty good, my mother should make a full recovery, but when it is your mother... things seem impossible.

Maybe the chemo is too much, maybe my mom is too old, maybe... there are a lot of maybes. We have to trust in someone, usually a doctor, that he is making the right decisions, that the nurses involved know what they are doing, that no virus/bacteria will make its way into my mother's compromised immune system. That is a big step for all (my mom and her kids) to take. It is by no means impossible, but it seems so at the time. And with my mom being so far away, the amount of control I have is next to nil. Which wouldn't be such a big deal, except my mom wanted to forgo the chemo and instead opt for something different out of Tijuana.

Which sounds crazy, I mean my mom is a nurse, but the lure of no pain and a "different way" (i.e. no nausea,  no pain) really sucked my mother in. She told me that she was not going to go forward with her chemo the day before I was coming out there to her. So at that point I didn't know what to do. I wanted to support her in what ever she decided to do, but I felt like this Tijuana business was shady at best. So I started digging and researching. I told mom, what I found (tests done on mice and clinical trials that really weren't there) and got her headed back to chemo.

Great right? I convinced my mother that the devil we know (chemo) is better than the devil we don't know. It was a hallow victory at best. Either way I could now be responsible for her death, by chemo or related causes or from listening to the quackery of promises being foisted out of Tijuana. That feeling is really heavy, and you want to make to right choice. Ultimately it was the choice of my mother, as it is her life, but I can't help but feel responsible.

We went with chemotherapy, which is basically poison. Poison that is supposed to kill just the cancer cells, but they haven't gotten it that good yet. Adriamycin and Cytoxan were the drugs used. There is nothing quite like taking your mother in to have that pumped into her. It happened over two days. Actually those drugs were given on the first day, along with Regulan and Ativan (anti nausea and chill out meds) and a Neulasta injection was given on her second day. The Neulasta makes more bone marrow, which makes more white blood cells, which were killed off the day before.

It was an interesting and somewhat depressing process. Also, she started losing her hair. So much so that she had me shave her head. Just that in and of itself was an experience. You can pretend whatever you want until the clippers come out. Now, everyone knows that my mom has cancer. She could get a wig, but up until that point it was in the back of her mind, but now she is forced to deal with it. It sort of brings everything home. And I did that too, with the clippers, right in her living room.

I'm not going to recommend that everyone go out and get cancer, because that would be awful, but I can say that I grew a bit because of this. Would I give it all back if it meant my mom was cancer-free? Hell yes. But she is not, and I'm a little more apathetic to anyone who is going through cancer treatment. I also wish I didn't know that much about our heathcare industry. But I can't change either one, so I'm playing the hand I got and rolling with the punches as they come.

Off I Go

So I'm going to visit my mother today. Spend some time with her, laugh, maybe help her in whatever way she needs for 6 days. I'll miss my wife and daughters very much, they have soccer games and school work and other stuff I probably can't remember. Still they know I love them and I know they love me. Whenever I take these kinds of trips my mind races through all the "what ifs".  What if my wife finds a new love? Yeah right, but could it happen? Maybe but not very likely (besides I have it on good authority that I am the man of her dreams). What if I'm killed in a plane crash? Well, that would suck, but once you go, well your gone, it is out of my hands unless I can take control of the plane... which I can't. What if while I'm seeing my mom, we are involved with a car accident and someone dies? How about if something happens to one of my daughters or wife while I'm away?

There are a multitude of "What Ifs" and I can't possibly think of them all. So what can I do? Live right, tell everyone how much I love them and then if the worst does happen... then it happens but it doesn't happen without you making sure they know how you feel. It still doesn't shut up the voice of doubt swimming in my head, but you are just going to have to get used to that (if you are me).

I may post like regular or I might be too busy. I really don't know. Or I might die. Whichever it is I will come back (unless it is the dead one) and post about it. Being a zombie blogger doesn't sound like fun, since I'd be more likely to want some brains to eat. Yum, nothing like thinking of that before I get on an airplane. LOL

Death and I

So we (my mother and I) were talking. My wife also made a brief appearance as well. What were we talking about? Dieing, or rather almost dieing. It is something we have grown close to... Mainly me almost dieing, and my mother picking up the pieces afterward. I don't think any of the near death experiences were meant to happen. They just did. Meanwhile my mother had a few near-death experiences and my wife had none.

Sometimes it was a simple helping hand as I was choking, turning blue, and someone gave me the Heimlich. Other times it was a matter of nobody really knew what the hell happened, but there was the ambulance anyway (in this case I wrecked my bike, trying to crack concrete and instead cracked my skull... I do not recommend it.). Other times like the time I had spinal meningitis, it was just a thing I caught. I don't know from who, but I sure did get it. While at other times I was caught up in the throws of stupidity (also known as being a teenager) Driving too fast, or somehow was in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the wrong idiot (a high school "friend" was running his mouth... someone else showed him he had a gun, It could have gotten really ugly real quick. That "friend" is dead now.)

Anyway I ran out of fingers counting the times I almost died. And somehow I always managed to live. I can't help but wonder why? A cousin, (who is much more like an uncle, he save me once) said I am just a lucky son of a bitch. He said that to my mother, so if you take that literally, well you could get offended, we don't however. I laughed... because it is funny. I guess you just had to be there (my mother laughed too). Anyway now there is kind of a sense of invulnerability. But I'm not letting that go to my head.

It isn't like I'm driving 100 down 278 or smoking cigarettes again (I quit like 14 years ago). But it seems I'm either lucky or good or both and/or dumb as well. I do know that I have been blessed to have friends and family around to pull me back out of death's grips. I'm not ready to go anytime soon, so I reckon they all get a well deserved thank you and I'm sorry that for whatever reason I need your assistance, I happily accept it and go on to live another day.

Whenever it does come time for me to go, I hope that I'll find myself with friends and family again. We all have to go sometimes, some of us go and come back again (repeatedly)... It looks like I am once of those people.

It Sucks

So the other day the worst thing happened.  I over-estimated on my insulin and crashed. This is normally not that big of a deal, I just need to eat or drink something, but this happened at night, while I was asleep. And I didn't exactly wake up. In fact my wife dialed 911 after trying to wake me up for an hour. It wasn't like I was unconscious, I apparently have another person living inside of me. I don't like this... at all.

But there isn't a whole lot I can do about this. Other than, never crash at night. Yeah it kind of sucks. One it sucks that I have this alter-ego. One that I really can't control. And then the other part... the you might have another stroke part. That gets caught in my throat. And it won't quite go down.

The thing is I have very little control over the whole situation. My wife understands, I think she understands better than I understand. I apologized 50 times over and she said she forgives me, but I can't say it won't happen again.  And that is the part about this whole deal that really, really sucks.
 

Another One Bites the Ear Tubes

So besides dealing with my mom's cancer, daughter's soccer, teenage daughter trouble, keeping a wife happy, paying bills, going grocery shopping (makin' groceries if you are from New Orleans) and life in general... my littlest, Augustus (who is vying for the Songbird name but may take "Dancing Queen" instead) needs tubes put in her ears and have her adenoids taken out as well. Why not take the tonsils out while we are at it? You got me... I have no idea.

Augustus has had 9 ear infections and that is just way too many. So off we go to get the problem solved (not really today, just in general) and hopefully afterward, we will have a non-sick, un-ear infected kid and won't have to look back.

Vacation!!!

So I know I didn't exactly advertise this. Not so much because it was last minute, but because we had literally too much other shit going on... I failed to mention it. Today (Saturday) we make a mini-vacation by getting into our minivan and driving up to Atlanta. While there we will get the CityPass, and enjoy everything on it... Zoo, Aquarium, Coke, CNN, Fernbank Museum of Natural History. It will be 4 days of us being tourists. I will of course have some pictures and whatnot to share.

We feel like we really need the time to just let our hair down. Taxes and job interviews and just stressed out in general... it will be nice to get away. But it is only temporary. We did wonder... should we go the beach route or someplace like Atlanta route. I figured we will have plenty of time to go to the beach once it warms up, Atlanta, nobody wants to be in Atlanta when it is 95+ degrees outside. At least that was my lopsided reasoning. For now, if you are reading this on Saturday, I am already gone, probably on I-16...