I'm Crooked

You ever look in the mirror, and think something just doesn't look right? I do. In fact I find myself doing it more and more. Notice a gray hair, or a slew of them, a wrinkle you didn't know was there, thinning hair, a pooch gut, you name it, I got it. But I'm not really talking about those things. Or maybe I am. I really don't know.

When I look in the mirror in the morning, I see a part of my lip a little bigger or swollen than the rest of my face. I think it is because of the stroke, but maybe it is just age, or maybe it was always there, I just didn't notice it until now. My wife, a long time owner of a "crooked smile" says, "Now you look like the rest of us... crooked." Maybe so, I know I can't really do anything about it... besides whine about it on my blog.

Or maybe there is some exercises I could do. But we all know, I'm not one for exercise. I mean it is good for you, I know this, but anything like that just sounds like work, and work for a very small, you probably wouldn't notice one way or the other, type thing... well I start doing a cost to reward analysis, and it just isn't worth it.

I do this at just about every turn in my life. More education vs. more cost for that education (without making any more money) why put myself through the pain and suffering? That is what I keep telling myself anyway. Sometimes it is easy, a new car and new car payments vs. old car and no payments. Well, since my car is still very serviceable, has low miles, I'll just keep the old one... But I really do want a two-seater convertible.

Back to my face, well the only time I have to look at it is when I look in the mirror, or a picture. My wife doesn't seem to notice, that or she is being very nice. Either way I'm blessed. And saying that, I guess that leaves me with very little room to whine, complain, or anything else. I'm loved for who and what I am. Crooked face and all. And I love my wife all the more, in fact I love that crooked smile, both our daughters have that same crooked smile. We are just crooked people, and that is fine with us.

Do I Pick Quality or Control?

So I went to a Diabetes Education thing the other day. One thing is clear, I used to be a stroke victim who happened to have diabetes, but more and more I'm really someone who is diabetic and just happens to have had a stroke. The difference is take the emphasis off of the stroke, and fixate it on the diabetes, because that is the real problem.

It is something that hounds me relentlessly. I need constant control. But I don't know if I'm ready to go full bore into it yet... What I mean is, get an insulin pump. A pump will give me better control, but cost a lot and you are kind of married to it. Right now I'm married to my "bag" (insulin, glucometer, needles) but if I want to go swimming all day, of spend a day at the beach, I can. And I could take the insulin pump to the beach, but I'd have to take it off to go swimming... and I don't know if the catheter and tubing is exactly high fashion.

But how many times do I go to the beach? Well not so much, maybe a dozen or so times. But I'd be willing to bet I would go less, if I had the pump. I eat less because if I'm going to eat, that means stopping, getting out my bag, drawing up some insulin, perhaps taking my blood sugar, all for what? Some Frito's or a doughnut? I just skip it instead... most times. I wouldn't have to do that with a pump so much. Why am I not lighter? I have no idea.

So I'm still struggling with this, quality of life issue. And I can't just try it, because it costs thousands of dollars. I'd have better control, but my quality of life might not be as good, whereas now my quality of life is pretty good, but my control not so much. Decisions decisions.

Half Empty... Half Full... Who Cares?

I am still dealing with my stroke, it has been almost two years, and I think I will always feel a little off. Not to say that I have a bad life or I wish anything could be different, I deal, and that is about it. But it has been so long since I had a stroke that I can't really remember if I can/can't do something... if it is because of the stroke or I never really could ever do it... even pre-stroke.

What I mean is, let's say I'm working with tools (screwdriver, wrench, etc.) and I just can't get the angel right or something won't come loose... is it because of the stroke? Or is it just because it is what it is? I really don't know, and odds are I never will.

I still have a crooked smile, or I should say half a smile. My wife is the owner of the "crooked smile" and she did not have a stroke to get it. But still, I feel if I would have exercised more, maybe I would feel differently but then again, I could feel even worse (because nothing would improve, I would then feel I wasted my time).

Is a glass half empty or half full, it really just depends on who is looking at it. But I prefer to see it as half full. I am doing much better at Guitar Hero, and I know it sounds kinda of hokey but it really does offer me some therapy. I haven't gotten to the next level (I'm at medium now), and I don't know if I ever would have (stroke or no stroke) gone to the next level anyway.

I downloaded "The Stroke" a song by Billy Squire. It has nothing to do with this post, but the name... I mean hello? I posted what I found on YouTube... Enjoy!

Update: Where I'm At.

As you may know... or may not know, I haven't really said much about the stroke. I like that fact, but there are still things I don't/can't do as good as I used to. One new thing I've started doing is balancing on one foot while in the shower while I scrub the other. That sounds pretty mundane doesn't it? but if you think about what is involved, it is actually quite complex. Balance, wash, all while being pelted with water, like I said mundane, but complex.

I still don't have the feeling that my right arm is 100%, I don't know if I'll ever get it all back. Handwriting is most affected by this. The funny thing is the doctor showed me how if I take my thumb and pointer finger and pinch them together rapidly again and again, eventually either my left hand will slow down, or my right hand will speed up. There is a name for that, but what it is escapes me right now. It has to do with making everything the same.

I still have language apraxia, which basically means I know what I want to say, but there is a problem with forming the words. I'm getting better at find the right words to say, but it can be distracting, especially when I need to say something quick. Aphasia comes in to the picture. They are both intertwined, but I can say that they are likely the least of my worries at this point. Not that any of this is really a worry, but if it was, that would be toward the back of the line.

My face, well that is just a lost cause. Thankfully, not that many people have to look at it. Really I'm kidding, sorta, there is nothing I can do, or nothing that I'm willing to pay money for to make better, so I've got what I've got. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I do get a little upset from people who are in my own family who have grown tired of the "I had a stroke" deal. I cannot play the Wii Fit to save my life, and just thinking of the game makes my blood pressure go through the roof.

And on to work, you know I see people that are affected by what I went through everyday. I wish I could talk to them, say that it will be ok, that these people will help you get better. Besides being unethical I just can't look at a patient's chart and figure he needs me to talk to him/her. It just doesn't work that way. Besides that, I'm not in patient care, and I can't talk very well (see above). But I see them, and I know that they are going to be cared for, just not by me, maybe they should tell me thanks eh?

Walk the Steps

I haven't talked about my stroke in a while. I'm still suffering from the after effects of it, but a small victory happened to me the other day. I can traverse the stairs, without using the hand rail. Not really a big deal right? Probably, but it made me feel that much more recovered all the same. Since I live in a 2 story house, and my first realization that I may have suffered a stroke, was on the very same steps.

I didn't know what to do or what was going to happen. Hell I still thought I was going to the doctor, not the ER. It happened in what seems like an eternity ago. The pain, and really the confusion in it all. Like half of my body fell asleep, kind of like when you sleep funny on your arm, except it was my entire right side. There was no pain from the stroke, like I can't say, "oh man, my stroke pain is acting up again." But there was pain in my labored breathing, because I was operating with half a body.

I don't really even know how I got from my bed room to the car, or much less dressed, my wife could have helped. But getting down the steps, that was all me. And I remember my wife looking at me, scared because none of us knew what was going on. I limped, or kind of "Igor dragged" myself to the car, and the rest is history.

But I can zip up and down the stairs now. Sometimes I'll still use the hand rail, but there is a big difference between needing and wanting, or using something because you have to, as opposed to having it there just in case.

Strokes, Dentists, and Being Cold

And so another dentist trip is done. I went to get my semi-annual cleaning, and I realized that this was just about a year ago, that I was coming back to work. Man I was a mess back then. But time has a way of hiding those things. The dentist says everything is fine, not that anyone cares, but he did say it.

My doctor visit the other day also had equally good results, though I was really looking for something wrong with me. I've been cold the past few months, like really cold. My doctor says my A1c is good (diabetes thing, it was 6.8, they want it to be lower than 7), bad cholesterol was 101 good cholesterol was 56... not too shabby, kidney and liver function look good, blood pressure is good. By all respects, I am a shining example of health..... for a 33-year-old male that has diabetes and a stroke.

But damn I'm cold, and I don't know why. Other than cold weather, which we have had our share this year. But I'm not willing to just blame the weather, but what else is there?

Art, School, and My Stroke.

I've kind of been avoiding the subject, or maybe not, maybe it just never came up. Part of me that I really never used much of before the stroke is really dead now, or at least I think it is. I was in a former life a bit of an artist. Now, with my right hand not quite what it was, not so much.

Why am I even talking about this? I saw an article the other day and in it was one of my high school counter parts. You can check him out here, if so inclined. He started the 365 project. Basically take a picture of something (for Stephen, it was himself) everyday for a year. Interesting concept is it not? Though I think a bit narcissistic, but that's just me.

So anyway, I took art in high school, for all 4 years of it. It was probably the one moment I looked forward to. I was as it was said "artsy fartsy". It was my only real reason to like school. And if I was a bit smarter I would have gone to college and majored in some kind of art degree and got a job doing something kind of artsy. But I instead joined the Army, saw the world, and basically became a member of our tax paying society.

Which has served me pretty good up to this point. Though I guess I'll always wonder what could have been. And now 1 year further along with my stroke I wonder if I would be out of a job now. Or at least be struggling. Starving artist sales are just one of the reasons I thought that getting in to the art scene, was not really my taste.

But seeing an old high school friend make it in the "business" makes me pine for it again. Or maybe just search for my own way to mark my spot on society. I guess this blog will have to suffice. I have a picture that I've been working on for years, not that I've been actively working on it, but maybe one or two days a year. Dare I put the pencil to paper again?

One Year Ago Today

Here it is. I've officially made it a whole year since my stroke took place. I thought there would be a little more fanfare, but I guess nobody really celebrates things like this. I also thought that I would be further along/ more recovered than I am. But it's all relative I guess. 11 months ago I didn't think I could eat without making a mess or putting my eye out.

I still have a ways to go, and I might never get there, but at least I'm still alive to try... and that ain't too bad. But if I think back to when it actually happened, the night before when the EMS guy said I had an 11 blood sugar... the next morning... trying to get my body to work, when it simply wouldn't... the hospital... and then all the recovery later. It is a bit much.

Still I guess now is a time to reflect on the accomplishments I've made, instead of being overly negative. I can operate pretty much in everyday fashion without anybody knowing I had a stroke (except handwriting). I can eat, handle tools, even fix some things normally. But then again it's easier to list the things I cannot do than what I can do. So as long as that list keeps shrinking I'll be fine.

So happy anniversary to me... I guess.

Borrowed Time

I was channel surfing the other day. I came across "Living After Stroke: Conversations With Couples". I could not find anything on the internet about it, other than it was a show. I watched it and an interesting wrinkle was exposed. It showed or told how hard it is for the other person to deal with the stroke, and how the person with the stroke feels guilty for having so much put on the other.

I can't agree more, I know that the rest of my life is "borrowed time" and that it would have probably been easier if I would have died. I know this, it isn't easy to type, but true all the same. My wife would argue otherwise, I have no doubt there, but it's a moot point anyway, since I'm alive.

Another thing that kind of bothered me is... The people in the show have had to deal with stroke a lot longer than me, and they aren't any closer to finding out what to do or how to be than I am. I'm not quite a year into this, I wonder if I should mark the event... Happy Death Day or something. I'm trying to not be overly morbid about it, but the person I was died, what's left very closely mirrors him. I only had a mild stroke, if you are pregnant you can't be just a little pregnant, it's all or nothing.

Anyway I'd recommend seeing the show to anyone who might wonder about what's involved with caring for someone with a stroke. Though I can't tell when or if it will be played again.