Saturday, May 21, 2011

Better Days Ahead?

I knew it would come down to this... but knowing what is coming doesn't make it any easier. My mother's health is not doing so good. She is into her 3rd round of chemo, and she basically says she doesn't care anymore. Doesn't care what they do, doesn't care if she lives or dies, she just doesn't care. I feel so bad for her and I can't lie to her and say... "in just a few more weeks, you will be better." Maybe a few more months, more like 6 months to a year. I can't go out and see her as I have exhausted my vacation.

I feel like, and please try not to think bad of me for saying this, but sometimes you just have to back up and play the hand you got. I feel so bad for my mom, I know she doesn't have that fighter's instinct like my father had when he was going through chemo and radiation. I wish it was me going through the chemo, not her because I know I could (more than likely) take it. I'm not trying to say that I am a better person than my mom, I am saying I wish she didn't have to go through what she is going through, so much so that I would take the chemo...  but that would not cure my mother's cancer.

I hope that I just caught her at a bad time and it will get better. But as I say that, it rings hallow. I know it won't be better and I don't know what to say to my mother. Should I have supported her going to Tijuana? I know that no I shouldn't have, but when she is so down in the dumps like she is now, it makes me doubt everything. And I know that is exactly why and how those types of people are around. Promising the world but delivering next to nothing. But the doubt keeps people coming back anyway.

So I sit and wait... from afar. And hope that my mom can do this. I know her body feels wrecked and her spirits are down. But there are sons and daughters and grandchildren and various other family members (cousins) and friends that are pulling for her. I know she knows this... there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Whether that light is death or the drive to keep going.... only she can answer that. But I still worry.

No comments: